


Clarity

by Luciferous_Lampadomancy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Fluffy Ending, I promise I'm not that bad guys, M/M, Mention of Death, Reincarnation AU, and I mean shit tons, but happy ending, it's pretty short though, levi pov, shit tons of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-06-01 21:18:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6536650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luciferous_Lampadomancy/pseuds/Luciferous_Lampadomancy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"All these years, all these decades of pure torture, and finally. Finally I'm free."</p><p>Levi had given into his fate, he knew he could never stop it from happening no matter how many lifetimes they went through. But something is quite different about this specific lifetime...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clarity

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so buckle up for some more ereri angst because apparently that's all I seem to be able to accomplish. I didn't end it horribly though, it's fluffy at the end, no worries guys. But I will warn you, tears were shed as I wrote.

I can't tell how many lifetimes have passed. The only thing I remember from the ones since that dreadful time when it was pure war, were the endings. No, not my endings, not when I died. Those are always different. Or at least, I don't remember them, so I only assume they aren't significant.

No, what I remember from each and every single lifetime is the same damn moment. The same fucking moment of seeing those fucking green eyes close. I hate it-I hate it because the memory of those past lives only give me that. And yet I remember every damn excruciating detail from the war on the Titans, how I never acted on my feelings for him. How each and every day I had to suffer knowing the oblivious kid, Humanities Last fucking Hope would never know we were soulmates. Not with how far apart in age we were, not with the war going on, not with me as his superior. He had too much shit already, I wasn't going to dump that on him too.

And yet, it came back to bite me in the ass, because as his superior, as the one assigned to watch over him, I was he one assigned with the task. Once the war was over, once the walls were taken down, once everything was calm again, I got the order.

The last Titan was to be killed. By me.

That day, the memory of that day is the most painful. Of him coming to my quarters to tell me that he knew it had to be done, and he was glad it was me to do it. He gave a whole speech that I couldn't listen to because I was too busy screaming at myself not to cry. The damn twenty year old kid, this kid who hasn't even experienced life, hasn't even experienced love, had to be killed by his soulmate.

Of course Mikasa was furious, and to be honest she did not take the news well. Her outburst hurt more than Eren's, accusing me of not being there for him, of not fighting back like I should. Eventually though she accepted it, and that was worse. She accepted she couldn't stop the execution, and it was the five words uttered from her mouth after the stone cold stare that still strike me to the bone. I can hear them resonating in my skull, and they held true.

"I will never forgive you."

It was because I killed him all those decades ago that I go through this torture every life. I'm sure of it. It was because I killed my soulmate in one life that in every single one of the next, not only do I get the painful memory of watching his eyes close for the last time, but of seeing it happen, every time, the same exact way. And I'm powerless to stop it.

Every new life, and he dies before he's twenty one. A heart attack, one that sends him to the hospital, and only is it once he's there that the next day, it fails. It doesn't just _stop_ suddenly or anything, and it kills me in those moments, because in those last moments, it's as if he remembers everything, every damn thing. I know it because he gets the same look that he did when he came to give me his speech. The glassy eyes smile, the promise that he doesn't blame me, the promise that there is hope.

But I know better by now, there's no hope, because he wasn't just humanities last hope. He was mine too.

\---

  
It had been about a decade since I'd been aware in this lifetime, a couple years since living on this beach. I had decided to move here on an impulse, to get away from my family a couple years prior, and also to come back to the beach where I found it. His key. That was the trigger, in every life Eren's key is the trigger for all those painful memories. The second I touched that key, I remembered. Most of the time I was at least a little older, but this life I was ten. I had drifted away from mother and saw a bit of gold in the sand behind a rock. Mother eventually found me an hour later, tears stealing down red ruddy cheeks and eyes blankly staring out into the ocean. It took weeks for me to recover from the shock of it.

I was only twenty, but that didn't matter. The little house was pretty cheap, and I liked the peace and quiet. The quiet strolls on the beach along the water almost... Felt like I was making up for never doing it during the Titan era. It was peaceful, relaxing. Every day I tried to take advantage of it, especially when I knew it would be soon, it had to be. We never too far apart in age in the lifetimes now, life's shitty apology for doing what it's done. It's almost like it's saying "sure you won't get to spend much time with him-but at least you get to be the same age and enjoy it now!"

Those were the other pieces I remember. Out of them all, one lifetime was the best, another the worst. The best was when we were reincarnated as childhood friends. He actually gave me the key in that life, so at least we got several years with the both of us in sweet unaware bliss. The worst though, was when I got less than twenty four hours. I literally met him the day before he died.

Ever since then I had hoped I wouldn't get so unlucky again. And as if an answer to my hope in this life, I was toppled over.

"Oh-oh my gosh I'm so sorry-are you okay sir?" That voice. Fuck it's him-it's him!

No amount of preparing would ever be enough for the first meeting, not just because of the butterflies, but also the violent need to hurl up my guts in fear. This time thankfully, it was only butterflies as he helped me back to my feet with that blinding smile of his.

"I'm so sorry-I was just watching the ocean and-and no one is ever on the beach so I thought-you're not hurt are you-" he stopped when he properly looked at me and his eyes locked on mine. That was realization number one: "oh my god-that-you felt it too right?"

"Mm, good for you kid-" I smirked, flicking his forehead and dusting off my jeans. It was never any use being mopey in his presence, you just couldn't be- "you get a shitty, resting bitch faced, short man as your soulmate."

"Wait, so it is true?" He murmured, still awestruck that soulmates were in fact _real_  and yes you just _know_  and yes he's stuck with _me_. I told him all this, in my ingrained snarky manner, but like always, no matter how harsh of a tone I gave him, he still smiled brightly. I swear this kid, he's something else.

After about a thousand more questions, some of which I refused to answer, and most I simply couldn't, I finally got the brat to quiet down and we ended up walking the beach for hours, hand in hand. I learned he was nineteen, and that thought made me almost break down then and there. Less than two years this time... Of course I didn't let him know that, and thankfully he didn't know me well enough quite yet to pick up the subtle shifts I give when my mood changes. That changed pretty quickly though, he's a bright little shit.

Within the next six months, after plenty of pestering, I finally got him to agree to come live with me. However, within the first month, he learned something was wrong (I told you he was a bright little shit), he could tell something was off, and I could tell he knew just from looking at my eyes when I was having those moments of fear and sadness. He hadn't questioned it though, and I dreaded the day he would.

It came about a year after meeting him.

"Levi-Levi can we talk?" He asked, out of the blue one morning after bringing me my tea. I had tried to prepare for the question, I swear I did, but even so I felt my throat dry up when I went to respond.

"Yea, sure, what's wrong?" I could only internally curse as he sat down on the little couch and faced me, pulling up one leg to hug towards his chest. Even nervous he was far too endearing.. No-no I need to focus.

"I just... Every day I always seem to catch you looking... Worried. Worried and sad and I don't know if it's something I did? Are we-am I not enough? Levi-I just-I'm scared, I'm scared because I don't-I don't understand why you're acting like this and it's really worrying-please just talk to me..." He looked up and his eyes, those fucking eyes break me. I knew I should tell him-I had to, but I couldn't. I couldn't tell him because that's not fair on him and I just needed to suck it up and put a smile on my face and reassure him like I always do.

"No-no Eren it's okay, you're everything I could ever ask for." I had to clear my voice to speak again after hearing far too many cracks go through that first sentence. At least it sounded genuine. Leaning forward, my hand closed around his on his shin and he startled a bit at the gesture. It sent a pang of hurt right through my chest. Fuck. Trying to smile, and most likely failing, I tried again, voice still soft, "Everything you've done and everything you are has only made me realize how much I really do love you, how much I always will, I just..." I had to stop and bite my lip to figure out the words, and I heard his breath hitch. This was going so fucking well...

"I don't-I..." I was never at a loss for words like I was then and his eyes only keep getting glassier and fuck I couldn't take it, "I'm sorry-Eren I'm so sorry... I can't tell you-I-...yes there's something but I can't-I can't tell you Eren... I'm sorry..."

I stopped myself after that, eyes searching his for anything, anything at all. However all I got was the same sad stare and silence. It stretched on for several moments, and it felt like forever until he finally spoke. Dropping his gaze, it was soft, and hesitant, and that made it all the worse.

"H-how could you..." No-no Eren no don't do this-don't do this please- "Why? Why-Levi I thought... I thought we could trust each other-I thought there was no secrets-soulmates-soulmates aren't supposed to-just why? Why?"

"Eren please.." My voice was cracking again, showing my desperation in my begging, "Please- you have to trust me, you just have to trust me." It was my last resort, and the words cut up my tongue as they came out. Telling him to trust me when I knew what was going to happen-when I knew how he was going to die within the year-how was I supposed to tell him that? I couldn't-I just couldn't.

"How-how can I trust you when I know you're keeping something from me?" He whispered again at first, but his voice gained strength by the end. He was looking up again too, hurt and betrayal in his eyes, "Levi why are you doing this? Why have you looked so fucking sad every time I look back at you? Why do I make you sad-that's not what I'm supposed to do! I thought you loved me-aren't you my soulmate? Aren't we dated to be together-to love one another? Why do you-why does it seem like I make you miserable?"

He stopped, unable to keep going but the message was already loud and clear. I could hear my heart roaring in my ears, my chest felt too tight and it was a struggle to pull in air. My entire body hurt because he was right. He was absolutely right. He does make me sad, and I knew I was making him sad too. That wasn't what soulmates were supposed to have-not that sadness swirling around them, not that suffocating fog of uncertainty and worry I had draped over us both.

And yet I knew exactly how to get rid of the fog, how to make it dissipate. I just had add heat, and how did I do that?

"You're right." I hate this-I hate this why is it the only way? "You're right Eren-you're absolutely right."

My mind was begging him to see past the anger I was putting in my gaze to see how much this was shattering me, "This isn't what we're supposed to be. I made a mistake-I made a huge fucking mistake and now I'm paying for it!" He was flinching back after that, but I could see the anger flaring up in his eyes. I could feel the boiling tension, the fog was going away, that much I'd accomplished-but at what cost?

"Mistake. You're right, you made a mistake-And I guess I made the mistake of trusting you." His voice was deathly calm at that point, but I couldn't let it up. Maybe if was better that way, maybe it was better if I stayed away. At least then he'd be able to live the last months of his life without pain, and I wouldn't be tortured with seeing his eyes close again in that damned hospital bed.

"Soulmate or not, I can't be with you." The words burned my throat, and I could barely hear them in my roaring ears as I stood up. Before I could turn away though, he was standing up too, standing in my way with his fists clenched.

"So that's it? You're just going to run? Going to fucking run away like a coward?! I thought I knew you better Levi!" His voice cracked at the end and I couldn't even look at him. I had to though, and when I did, all I saw was pure pain.

"I love you, Eren Jaeger. I always have, and I always will. In this life, and all the lives to come. But I can't be with you. I know that now." I forced my feet to move, forced myself to push past Eren and walk out the door. Forced myself to keep walking down to the beach, forced myself to walk along the shore.

It didn't take long before I was trailing hot tears in my wake, gross sobs wracking my body. I couldn't stop walking though, no matter how much it hurt. It was for his own good, I couldn't turn around, I couldn't. It didn't matter how broken he looked, it didn't matter because he'd be okay, he'd move on and he'd live a good life. The kid deserved that much didn't he? Not being stuck with me in a shitty cabin when all I did was make him sad because I couldn't control my damn emotions.

I hadn't notice that I stopped, or that I was screaming and sobbing until I was suddenly yanked around and collided with a chest. I didn't think twice about latching on, grabbing onto his sweater as tight as I could, and sobbing out apology after apology, telling him how wrong I was over and over again.

We must've stayed like that for hours before my throat was too raw and my eyes were puffy and red. He carried me back, and I couldn't help but feel safe, cradled and surrounded by Eren. I couldn't believe he'd forgiven me for what I did, but yet I could. With every soft kiss to my forehead, and his own whispers of apology, I could. It was going to be okay, everything was going to be okay.

And somehow, somehow it is. The topic never came up again, and I try my best to forget, to live now while he's here. And with every brilliant smile he flashes me, I can't help but let my own small smile lighten my gaze as well. I think that's what got me through those years, in all of my lives. Despite knowing what would happen, it didn't matter in those moments that Eren smiled. It was just so pure, so happy and light, that you couldn't help but smile back and forget your troubles. His smiles are what get me through.

Tonight though, I can't help but smile as I look down at him. My fingers are caught in his hair, just resting there as I'm propped up on the forearm of the other arm. He's so peaceful when he sleeps, so simple, so worry free. He's almost ethereal with his unruly brown hair splayed across the pillow, his soft lips parted ever so slightly, and no trace of pain or hurt or discomfort in his expression. Just pure calm.

I can't be calm though, because I'm not just smiling at his beauty, not just because his sleeping face is something I never get tired of. No, it's because this is something that's never happened before. Never happened in any of the lives he's lived. And I can't stop smiling as the seconds tick by. Until I see those red numbers change again.

**11:59**

Sixty seconds, one minute. Just one minute. My heart is racing, I'd say it's trying to beat it's way out of my chest if I didn't know any better.

Thirty seconds...

It's actually going to happen, it really is. I glance back down and smile again, he's so close, so so fucking close.

Ten seconds...

Five seconds...

I watch the numbers change on the clock, hand pressed to Eren's chest, just over his heart and I choke out a sob of relief. Somehow, some way, he made it. Eren's alive. It's March 30, and he's alive. He made it.

Twenty fucking one.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, you can find me on tumblr at Jaegerhugs. If you have a prompt suggestion or anything you want written feel free to drop a message there! Comments are highly prized and treasured so if you liked the story (or hate my guts for killing you with feels), feel free to fan girl (or rant) with me ^-^


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